A quickie

Not that kind of quickie you pervs. ;)  A quick blog post.
TGIF!  I thought it was Friday on Wednesday this week.  For me, this week has seemed like two weeks.

First I have two questions.  They could be hypothetical but most likely they are not.  If you were 60 some years old and had to use a walker to get around, would you still go to work merely to drive people nuts?  Also, if your toes were all crooked and nasty would you wear sandles 365 days a year?

This place is really driving me nuts this week.

But anycrookedtoes, it's Friday.  Thank God! 

The camper is loaded.  When Matt gets off work, he's going home hooking it up, grabbing his pup, and heading to the Funny Farm.  No really, that's the name of the campground. 

When I get off work, I'm going home and grabbing the big kids and heading to the Funny Farm.

I'm sneaking away to work a little on Saturday night at the VFW.  I volunteered to wait tables.  Last time I made about $30 in tips.  I don't mind though.

Sunday there is a lawn mower pull (think tractor pull only with lawn mowers) about a mile away from the Funny Farm.  Matt's bringing his lawn mower (which is another post all in itself) and a wagon and pulling me and the beer in the wagon to the lawn mowever pull.  Sound legal, right?  He is not pulling his lawn mower, just showing it off.

Hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend!  Take some time to remember the real reason for the holiday.

8 more hours...

until I'm out of here for 4 days. I don't know if or how much I'll be blogging this weekend but I'll make sure to take lots of pictures.

We have so much going on in the next four days. Tomorrow night we are going to Matt's parents. Friday, we are going to my parents in the morning, then to his dad's side of the family, and then to my dad's side of the family's drunkfest.

Saturday we have my mom's side of the family and Sunday we have his mom's side of the family. Not to mention, we have already been to his work party and the Army xmas party.

New Year's Eve we are having a small party at our house. That I am looking forward to.

It's hit me yesterday that I would rather just do more relaxing during the holidays. So if you don't hear from me every again, it's probably because I've had a nervous breakdown. I'll have my mom leave you all the address to the mental ward. Feel free to send cards.

Oh and the first person to ask if or when I'm going to be pregnant is probably going to get told to shut the hell up. It happens every time we go to family stuff. Or should I say, "Actually we've been trying for 6 months and it's not happening but thanks for bringing it up."

A Constant Struggle

I don't really know how to write this and I debated even writing it. By hey its my blog and someday maybe I can look back at this and see how far I have came.

Last night was a bad night. In my sociology class, the chapter we were discussing was on crime. We were talking about rape and what should be done with rapist in the jail system.

Click here to read a post I wrote about a month ago with my on going struggle with this issue.

Its not like I was singled out or anything but my teacher asked me what my opinion was on something. I basically said that I feel that it is the victims that need the help more help than the criminals. In my opinion, once a rapist, always a rapist.

When I was walking out of the door after class my teacher asked to talked to me. She asked me if I was ok. I lost it. She asked if I had talked to anyone. I have been to a couple counselors. The first one had a daughter about my age and compared me to her. The second time I was put into a group kinda thing and cut pictures out of magazines and made wicker baskets. Neither of these methods seemed to help.

All I want is to be able to GET OVER IT. I don't wanna remember. I don't wanna hurt because of this. I don't want to get upset over stuff that shouldn't even matter.

No one seems to have an answer on how to GET OVER IT. I finally feel like my life is stable enough that I could but I don't know how.

Props to my husband. His big strong arms and open ears mean the world to me.

Not a happy or a funny post

When I was a senior in high school, a guy that was an acquaintance, somewhat of a friend of mine, was bringing me home on a Friday night in November. Long story short, he raped me. It was horrible and I’m not going to even try to downplay how that has affected my life. Every. Single. Day.

I told my parents the night it happened. He was arrested. His family hired a good lawyer. It went to trial. They found him not guilty. Well this guy had a girlfriend who I will call S. S was pregnant. S stayed with him and they moved to Nebraska. I have seen him twice in the last almost ten years.

He and S had two more kids. She finally got away from him and is now dating one of my husband’s good friends, C. I like C and I think he is a good guy. The first time I saw them together I was very shocked. I asked him what the hell he was doing with her. C and I talked and he told me that S had been abused in a number of ways by him and she had finally gotten away from him. And that she has no hard feelings towards me.

S & C showed up at our house warming partying. I hate seeing her. She doesn’t bring back anything but bad memories. I don’t feel sorry for her. I realize that may be a little cruel but she could have left him when he was accused of raping someone.

And now that she moved back here guess who came back too. The last time I saw him was right before my hubs came home. I freaked out.

C is going to Afghanistan in less than a month. Will she stick with him through that? I highly doubt it.

It’s hard to just put it all in the past and be a better person and try to be friends nice to her. I’m not mean to her when she is around. I just don’t talk to her, at all. I guess I know that none of it was her fault. But I hate seeing her.

I doubt anyone could really understand what all this means to me, unless you have been through it also but any advise would be appreciated.

MSIBTY Jane

One thing that is on my top ten list of most annoying things is people who always have a story better than yours or have to tell a story that relates to yours. You know what I mean? Say your telling a story about how you fell down the steps leaving your house. (This did not happen.) Then this person who I will call My story is better than your story Jane (MSIBTYS Jane) cuts you off and starts talking about a time they fell down leaving the house.

This type of behavior/communication has always annoyed the shit out of me. When it really started annoying me the most was when my grandma was suffering and slowly dieing from cancer. MSIBTYS Janes would ask me how she was doing only to end up telling me about how when their grandma/dad/cousin/dog had cancer blah blah blah.

Their are a couple of MSIBTYS Janes that I have the pleasure of dealing with. This morning MSIBTYS Jane #1 and MSIBTYS Jane #2 were having a conversation. It was one of the funniest/annoying conversations I have ever heard. Jane #1 one spout off a few sentences about her story and Jane #2 would cut her off and tell a couple sentences of her story. This went on for about ten minutes. By the time it was over I was sitting with my head in my hands praying for it to stop.

I try my hardest not to be a MSIBTYS Jane. Sometimes after a few alcoholic beverages I would say I could try a little harder. But for the most part, unless you ask me about my experiences with such and such, I will not be a MSIBTY Jane.

Gotta love Mondays

I know this may be a shocker but I’m glad the weekend is over. This weekend was horrible. I’m not one to air my dirty laundry so I’ll leave out the details but give you the gist of what happened.

First of all, this may be a surprise because I have led you all to believe that my husband is perfect but he is not and neither am I.

I pass my weekends by working a job that I hate for pocket change. He likes to pass the time by hanging out with his buddies, drinking, scratching himself, and only god knows what else. This usually leads to me bitching about what he is doing. And that usually leads to us arguing.

So this weekend I spent working, crying, arguing, or all three at the same time. This has left me drained mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I was thinking this morning about all the holidays we have missed out on during the three years we have been together. (Matt and I were friends for 10 years before we started dating so its not like I jumped into a relationship with someone in the military that I didn’t know, I’ll write about that someday.)

I’m glad to be back in my cubicle where people will leave me alone and I can maybe pull myself back together.

No more American Airlines for me

Matt left for his training this morning. That means no birthday vacation for me and no anniversary vacation for mom and dad.

American Airlines doesn't give two shits just as I had suspected. We would have to pay $150 per person to change to a different date plus the difference between the airfare. *Note: I bought our tickets three or four months ago. So for us to change the dates to the weekend after 4th of July would be and additional 400 bones a person and the weekend after that would be 350 a person. We originally paid $300 for each ticket.

The only way they would refund us because of the military is if he was being deployed. Uhhhhh.... No thanks!

I'm going to write them a nice edumacated sounding letter when I am in a better state of mind and also send a copy to my congress person. I believe American Airlines has quite the hustle going on. No one ever uses insurance on their tickets when they actually buy it and if you don't buy it then you are screwed.

The only reason that I usually fly American Airlines is because they are the only airlines that have direct flights from StL to Seattle. Now thanks to them I will not be seeing my husband until it is time for him to come home. I'll only need a one way ticket as we will be driving his car across country again and I can get a one way ticket for less than their $150 date switching fee.

American Airlines service is horrible anyway. I have flown Frontier a few times and they are my favorite. They have a mascot for each plane and TV monitors in the headrests. Not to mention, Frontier flights always stop in Denver and the view landing there is beautiful.

Stressed

I am beyond stressed for several reasons. My parents and I are supposed to go to Washington next weekend to see Matt. It is their 30th anniversary and my birthday is next week. They wanted to take a vacation for their anniversary and have never been to see their favorite son-in-law there. Some of Matt's unit is going to Yakima for training on Tuesday. Matt has been told for 3 months that he would not have to go. Yesterday they tell him that he has to go. He threw a fit and hopefully we will find out today if he has to go or not. Grandma is still hanging on by a thread and will die sometime soon. Don't know when. Maybe today, maybe next weekend, maybe next month. So now mom and dad are kinda up in the air about what they should do.

When I booked the flight for the three of us I did not purchase insurance for them because I thought everything will be ok. I highly doubt that American Airlines is gonna give two shits about any of this.

I don't understand why he has to do training. HE IS GETTING OUT. The only thing he needs to train for is how to deal with me on a daily basis and mow the yard and stuff. I doubt he will learn that through the army. So Mr. Big Shot of Matt's unit, you can kiss my big ole butt. I hate you, except for about two minutes on the 1st and 15th.

Oh and also my new phone is a POS. It's an envy 3. Don't get it.

Back to school

Summer school starts tonight.

I have a case of the I don't want to go to summer school I just want to lay in bed and cry blues.

Before I sleep

I have a descent job. Its a job that I like. My boss's are nice. Most of my co-workers are nice and only a few of them drive me nuts. I have worked at this job for almost three years. I consider it a real job and I could see myself staying here for years.

I also have a shit job. I wait tables and I'm almost 28 years old. I worked this shit job before my real job. At first I continued working there to pay off my debt, nothing major. Then Matt left for Iraq. So I kept working the shit job to stay busy and save some money while he was gone.

Now Matt is back and I really don't need to continue working there. But I do. I wanna do everything I can to give our future a decent head-start.

That being said, every time I go in there I go in with a good attitude. I try to always remember that it is extra money and there is no need to fret about anything that happens there. Well this good attitude usually fades rather quickly once I am there.

For example, last night was a private school in town's 8th grade graduation. The management knew they were coming. The place closes at 9:30. At 8:30 literally 150 people walk in the doors. Normally on a busy night I will have a 4 table station. When these people showed up I had 8 tables full of rich, snobby 8th graders and their parents.

Normally on parties of 8 or more we can add 18% gratuity so that we don't get hosed. None of the other servers added the gratuity so I didn't either. Big mistake. Those rich bastards didn't tip worth a shit. I don't even think some of the teenieboppers paid me for their bill. Needless to say, by the time they left I was pissed. After something like this happens, its very hard for me to remember that its just a second job.

I got home around 11:30 and had to be to work this morning at my real job at 8:00. Before I go to bed every night I always ask myself if I am proud of my actions during the course of the day. Most nights there is always something I feel I could have done better. Maybe I am too hard on myself and maybe I expect too much from myself. I don't know. I do know that most times I work at my second job I leave feeling as if I have let myself down in some way or another.

I'm back

We had a great time this weekend. The concert was awesome. I can't wait to see them again sometime.

I'm back to dealing with morgage officers, realators, and other general bullshit.

Why can't this getting a house thing be easier? We have money just give us a damn loan. I never thought it would be such a pain.

I'm a little reckless

A lot has been going on in my world lately.

1. Grandma's pain is under control. She doesn't make any sense sometimes but she is smiling and laughing again. No one ever thought she would live this long. So I guess every good day is a blessing. Lately, she has been having more good days than bad days.

2. I'm sick of working two jobs.... STILL

3. Matt will be home FOR GOOD by the end of July. I am ecstatic about that.

4. Matt and I got approved for a home loan. We didn't get approved for as much as we wanted but that could be a good thing. My parents and I looked at a house last week and are going to look at one tonight.

5. My mother-in-law is officially at the top of our $hit list. Thanks for taking such good care of Matt's finances, while he was fighting for your freedom. It makes me sick to my stomach that someones own mother can't be trusted.

6. I'm on spring break... well I guess now. No school for this girl next Monday. Next paper due is supposed to be a narrative. I'm running out of stories to write about. I considered writing about when I was raped but I really don't want that bringing me down again.

7. I'm going to see Matt next weekend. We are going to a Reckless Kelly concert. If you haven't heard of them look them up. Good stuff.

Am I crazy or smart???

Days like today make me wonder why the hell I didn't move with my man and do the real army wife thing. I miss Matt more than their is room on the Internet to describe it. We decided a long time ago that I would stay here and continue working so that we could continue saving for our future while he finishes up his time in the army. He will be home in August or September. By then we will have enough money for a down payment on a house and all the crap we will need to furnish it.

As my grandma lays dying, I see everyone around me has someone to comfort them. Yeah I can call him whenever I want and blow his phone up with text messages, but its not the same. I feel like we have chosen money over love and it shouldn't be that way. But then again, in 50 years will it really matter that we were apart for the first year of our marriage?

I'm not worried about our marriage surviving. I know that we have a basis for our marriage that is stronger than most I'm worried about my own sanity and Matt's too. I know he is lonely and misses me too. We are both to the point that we want this army business to be over with so we can move on.

I think I need to just suck it up and keep on keeping on.

Just Wondering

Is there a polite way to tell someone to shut the fu@!< up, you drive me nuts?

Let me just say, being next to someone for close to 40 hours a week that likes to make sure everyone in the world knows there personal business is really doing no good when it comes to my sanity.

I'm losing it!!!