A Constant Struggle

I don't really know how to write this and I debated even writing it. By hey its my blog and someday maybe I can look back at this and see how far I have came.

Last night was a bad night. In my sociology class, the chapter we were discussing was on crime. We were talking about rape and what should be done with rapist in the jail system.

Click here to read a post I wrote about a month ago with my on going struggle with this issue.

Its not like I was singled out or anything but my teacher asked me what my opinion was on something. I basically said that I feel that it is the victims that need the help more help than the criminals. In my opinion, once a rapist, always a rapist.

When I was walking out of the door after class my teacher asked to talked to me. She asked me if I was ok. I lost it. She asked if I had talked to anyone. I have been to a couple counselors. The first one had a daughter about my age and compared me to her. The second time I was put into a group kinda thing and cut pictures out of magazines and made wicker baskets. Neither of these methods seemed to help.

All I want is to be able to GET OVER IT. I don't wanna remember. I don't wanna hurt because of this. I don't want to get upset over stuff that shouldn't even matter.

No one seems to have an answer on how to GET OVER IT. I finally feel like my life is stable enough that I could but I don't know how.

Props to my husband. His big strong arms and open ears mean the world to me.

Not a happy or a funny post

When I was a senior in high school, a guy that was an acquaintance, somewhat of a friend of mine, was bringing me home on a Friday night in November. Long story short, he raped me. It was horrible and I’m not going to even try to downplay how that has affected my life. Every. Single. Day.

I told my parents the night it happened. He was arrested. His family hired a good lawyer. It went to trial. They found him not guilty. Well this guy had a girlfriend who I will call S. S was pregnant. S stayed with him and they moved to Nebraska. I have seen him twice in the last almost ten years.

He and S had two more kids. She finally got away from him and is now dating one of my husband’s good friends, C. I like C and I think he is a good guy. The first time I saw them together I was very shocked. I asked him what the hell he was doing with her. C and I talked and he told me that S had been abused in a number of ways by him and she had finally gotten away from him. And that she has no hard feelings towards me.

S & C showed up at our house warming partying. I hate seeing her. She doesn’t bring back anything but bad memories. I don’t feel sorry for her. I realize that may be a little cruel but she could have left him when he was accused of raping someone.

And now that she moved back here guess who came back too. The last time I saw him was right before my hubs came home. I freaked out.

C is going to Afghanistan in less than a month. Will she stick with him through that? I highly doubt it.

It’s hard to just put it all in the past and be a better person and try to be friends nice to her. I’m not mean to her when she is around. I just don’t talk to her, at all. I guess I know that none of it was her fault. But I hate seeing her.

I doubt anyone could really understand what all this means to me, unless you have been through it also but any advise would be appreciated.

No more American Airlines for me

Matt left for his training this morning. That means no birthday vacation for me and no anniversary vacation for mom and dad.

American Airlines doesn't give two shits just as I had suspected. We would have to pay $150 per person to change to a different date plus the difference between the airfare. *Note: I bought our tickets three or four months ago. So for us to change the dates to the weekend after 4th of July would be and additional 400 bones a person and the weekend after that would be 350 a person. We originally paid $300 for each ticket.

The only way they would refund us because of the military is if he was being deployed. Uhhhhh.... No thanks!

I'm going to write them a nice edumacated sounding letter when I am in a better state of mind and also send a copy to my congress person. I believe American Airlines has quite the hustle going on. No one ever uses insurance on their tickets when they actually buy it and if you don't buy it then you are screwed.

The only reason that I usually fly American Airlines is because they are the only airlines that have direct flights from StL to Seattle. Now thanks to them I will not be seeing my husband until it is time for him to come home. I'll only need a one way ticket as we will be driving his car across country again and I can get a one way ticket for less than their $150 date switching fee.

American Airlines service is horrible anyway. I have flown Frontier a few times and they are my favorite. They have a mascot for each plane and TV monitors in the headrests. Not to mention, Frontier flights always stop in Denver and the view landing there is beautiful.

Stressed

I am beyond stressed for several reasons. My parents and I are supposed to go to Washington next weekend to see Matt. It is their 30th anniversary and my birthday is next week. They wanted to take a vacation for their anniversary and have never been to see their favorite son-in-law there. Some of Matt's unit is going to Yakima for training on Tuesday. Matt has been told for 3 months that he would not have to go. Yesterday they tell him that he has to go. He threw a fit and hopefully we will find out today if he has to go or not. Grandma is still hanging on by a thread and will die sometime soon. Don't know when. Maybe today, maybe next weekend, maybe next month. So now mom and dad are kinda up in the air about what they should do.

When I booked the flight for the three of us I did not purchase insurance for them because I thought everything will be ok. I highly doubt that American Airlines is gonna give two shits about any of this.

I don't understand why he has to do training. HE IS GETTING OUT. The only thing he needs to train for is how to deal with me on a daily basis and mow the yard and stuff. I doubt he will learn that through the army. So Mr. Big Shot of Matt's unit, you can kiss my big ole butt. I hate you, except for about two minutes on the 1st and 15th.

Oh and also my new phone is a POS. It's an envy 3. Don't get it.

Back to school

Summer school starts tonight.

I have a case of the I don't want to go to summer school I just want to lay in bed and cry blues.