Getting a little easier...

First and foremost, thank you all for you well wishes, prayers, thoughts, and good vibes.  I appreciate each and everyone of you.

Things seem to be a little easier everyday.  Some days, I back peddle and it will be worse than the day before.  Ultimately, I think I'm getting better.

The doctor gave me a handful of Xanax.  That helps.  As far as the doctor goes, he thinks I'm fine and that nothing else will have to be done.

I ask myself "Why?" a lot. 

Why couldn't I have this baby but I am expected to financially support others who don't need or deserve a kid? 

Why did I have to see a 16ish year old pregnant girl in the doctor's office the other day? 

Why does my body suck a fat one? 

Why does the world keep moving for everyone else, while it seems to be standing still for me?

We went camping over the weekend.  I thought it would make everything better but it didn't.  It helped though.

I actually made dinner Monday night and last night.  I hadn't done that in awhile.  Matt's been cooking.  I even did some laundry.

In the midst of everything that happened last week, I had to finish my summer class.  I pretty much said F it.  I didn't study for the final and half-assed the last homework assignment. I still got an A in the class.

I also had designed, proofed, and order some t-shirts for the VFW to sell and try to make a little money.  I had to deal with that last week.

I'm sure there were other things I "had" to do last week.  But I don't remember. 

I promise my next post will be a happier one.

Matt and I are taking some time off next week.  Not sure what we'll do or if we'll do much but at least I'll be at home.  With the pups.

Would anyone like to do a guest blog for me next week?  A happy one.  Or a funny one.  Please.

Our Angel

We have been trying to get pregnant for about two years now. 

Two weeks ago today, we found out I was pregnant.

We lost the baby over the weekend.  I was a month along.

I've never known a pain that hurts this much.  The physical pain was horrible.  But the blow to my heart is even worse.

Today, I go to the doctor to make sure I'm "okay".

I'm not sure when I'll blog or comment again right now.

But, now we have an angel.  Sprout, we love you!

R.I.P. Allie Marie

My mom's chihuahua, Allie, had to be put down yesterday.

One of her final days

She had an inner ear infection awhile ago.  And got another one this past weekend.  Mom made an emergency call to the vet Sunday.  The medicine they gave her didn't help.

The vet thinks she may have also had a stroke.  She was old, didn't listen was deaf, had arthritis and a crooked leg.  Mom did everything she could to get her better.  But mom, dad, and the vet all thought it would be best to end her suffering.

I wrote a post awhile ago about what turned out to be her final hurrah.

Allie will be missed and never forgotten.


Dear Allie,

I know when mom first got you I was not around.  I forgive you for trying to bite me everytime you saw me for the next four years.  I'm sorry when you were a baby that dad pushed you off the couch you fell of the couch and broke your leg.  (We tease my dad that he pushed her.)

I know we weren't always the best of friends but I will miss you somewhat. I'm glad I got to say good-bye. I know mom & Chloe will miss you and LP too.  Behave in heaven; don't bite anyone.  I'm sure you'll have a nice comfy bed there and really that's all you've ever wanted.

Love,
Steph

I'm here

The last few days have been crazy. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that the mid-west got pounded with ice and then snow. I'm not one to use the weather to make conversation so I'll spare you the details.

The funeral was Sunday. It was really sad. Matt was a pallbearer. His dress pants were about 3 sizes too small. My smallest black pants were about 2 sizes too big. I may have called him a fatass repeatedly once or twice.

I can't even remember what else we did last weekend. Must have been exciting.

Yesterday, I worked from home. We didn't have internet until about noon but I had a ton of stuff that I could do without the internet.

Pro's of working from home:

- Sleeping in

- Staying in my pajamas until I took a shower on my "lunch break". And then I put on clean pajamas.

-Having the pups sit by me on the couch

- Not having to deal with anyone I work with

- Eating when I wanted to

- Perhaps most importantly, the coffee is better at home.

- Getting more done in one day on the couch than I could in three days at work

- Watching day time TV. I'm totally envious of anyone that gets to watch court shows and the Price is Right everyday.

Con's of working at home:

- I can't really do all of my work at home since I don't have our software on my laptop so there was a big pile of crap waiting for me this morning.

- Matt asking 2487 times if they internet was working and why I hadn't call them yet.

- Matt whining that he was hungry.

- The pups bark at every leaf that falls.

If I could send Matt to work everyday, I'd give my left arm to be able to work from home. Seriously, I'm not that big of a "people person" anyway.

Hope you are all doing well!

Meet Princess

Friday a lady a work with told me that her sister-in-law had a dog that they didn't want and needed a home. Her name is Princess. After a little convincing, I talked Matt into letting Princess come over and meet our boys.

We don't really need 3 dogs but she needs a good home. I knew that she wasn't treated great but I had no idea how bad she was treated until later. We decided if they got along that we could keep her. I mean look at how cute she is.

Saturday morning I called the lady who owns her and asked her when she could bring her over. She said that she would bring her over Sunday evening. She told me while I was on the phone with her that she was very timid because her husband has smacked her. WTF? It was then that I decided I didn't care if our boys liked her or not we were keeping her.

She came over last night. At first, she was scared shitless of our boys.

Here are a few things the owner told me about her:
- She's 5
- She was attacked by another dog and almost died
- She thinks she's up to date on her shots
- Her grandson kicks her
- She has spent most of her life in their utility room
- She's not allowed on the furniture
- She eats at 5 AM and 5 PM
- She's fed Ol' Roy

The owner left her. Did not give her a hug or kiss before she left or tell her bye or anything. Just said she was glad she was going to a good home. She left a bed for her and her food bowl. No collar and no toys.

We gave her a bath and she was covered in fleas. I gave her a flea pill too.

Princess is very shy and when I raise my hand to pet her, she thinks I'm going to beat her. I really hope she comes out of it and understands that we will be good parents to her.

She didn't want to leave our utility room.

We let her sit on the couch with us but she would wander back to the utility room. She sat by the front door for a while. I assume she was waiting for the idiot she used to live with to come back. It was so sad.

I tried to put her in bed with us but the boys were barking and raising hell and she wanted no part of it. So I put her in her bed in the utility room. I woke up in the middle of the night and she was laying under my nightstand. Then, I dropped my coaster on the floor and scared the shit out of her. Matt said he woke up and she was laying on the floor on his side of the bed.

This morning she didn't growl at the boys and she ate breakfast with them. I petted her before I left and told her to have a good day. I got a little teary eyed.

I called the vet she has been to today. They said she is 7, not 5, and hasn't been there since 2007. I made an appointment for Saturday morning for her to get her shots and get her toenails trimmed.

I hope she adjusts. I don't think she'll ever need or want a lot of attention, unlike our spoiled rotten boys. But if she does we'll give it to her. It breaks my heart that someone could treat a 10 pound dog the way she was treated or just "get rid" of a dog they have had for 7 years.

**Edit** I forgot to mention that as soon as she needs a haircut, I'm taking her to the doggie day spa for a little pampering.

Gotta love Mondays

I know this may be a shocker but I’m glad the weekend is over. This weekend was horrible. I’m not one to air my dirty laundry so I’ll leave out the details but give you the gist of what happened.

First of all, this may be a surprise because I have led you all to believe that my husband is perfect but he is not and neither am I.

I pass my weekends by working a job that I hate for pocket change. He likes to pass the time by hanging out with his buddies, drinking, scratching himself, and only god knows what else. This usually leads to me bitching about what he is doing. And that usually leads to us arguing.

So this weekend I spent working, crying, arguing, or all three at the same time. This has left me drained mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I was thinking this morning about all the holidays we have missed out on during the three years we have been together. (Matt and I were friends for 10 years before we started dating so its not like I jumped into a relationship with someone in the military that I didn’t know, I’ll write about that someday.)

I’m glad to be back in my cubicle where people will leave me alone and I can maybe pull myself back together.

One more thing

This is a paper I wrote for school last semester right after we found out my grandma had cancer. I thought I had already posted it but I didn't. This will be my last post about my grandma. I promise. No more Debbie Downer here.


I believe that in life there are good people and there are bad people. The best example of a good person that I have ever known is my grandma, Esther. My grandma is more patient than anyone I have ever met. She is also a very considerate and kindhearted person. Another reason my grandma is such a good person is because her whole life she has been nothing but selfless. She has always put others needs before her own and never complained about anything. She will truly never be forgotten.

My grandma has always been a patient person. She gave birth to eleven children. Eight of her children are boys. She had three girls; one of her girls is mentally challenged and one of her girls died at birth. Their family lived on a farm and there was plenty of room for her children to find or create trouble, which they did quite often. When she would get real mad at the boys she would call them “little boogers.” She never spanked any of her kids because she says she was “just too soft-hearted”. My grandma took care of my aunt who is mentally challenged for fifty-five years. She took her to work when she had to work and cared for her in a way that no one else could have. When my aunt throws fits, cussing and yelling at anyone who crosses her path, grandma just tells her to calm down and be nice. I never heard her once raise her voice even in the worst situations.

In addition to being extremely patient, my grandma is nice and caring. My grandma has eighteen grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. She has no favorites. She loves each and every one of us the same, regardless of how often we are able to go to see her or how well we behave. Even as she lies in the hospital suffering, she will still ask people how their day was and is genuinely concerned with how everyone is doing, just as we are concerned for her. The other night, my cousin Jadyn was crying because we all know that grandma is not going be around much longer. Grandma asked Jadyn what was wrong. To which Jadyn's mom simply replied, that she was tired and she needed to get her home and to bed because she didn't want to upset grandma. Also, my grandma has never had one bad thing to say about anyone. Even when my grandpa and all my uncles are gossiping about someone, grandma just smiles. I’m sure deep down she has to know that she is a better person for not saying anything. The other day I thanked my grandma for coming to our wedding a couple months ago and told her how much it had meant to my husband and me. It wasn’t a traditional Catholic wedding like most of our family has had, but she told me, “Oh, that was a nice wedding and I had a good time.” Because my grandma is so kindhearted, she always looks for the good in every situation.

Also, my grandma is also a very selfless person. By being selfless, she always puts other people needs in front of her own. To be honest, I don’t think that she ever really wanted anything that life had not given her. She stayed home and raised all her children. She did all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other household chores. She never complained about having too much to do. Even until the day my grandma went into the hospital, she woke up at six o’clock every morning to make my grandpa a poached egg and toast for breakfast. When the whole family would come over on Sundays, my grandma would always cook lunch for everyone. When I was younger, if I got sick and my mom couldn’t pick me up from school, grandma would come pick me up and take me to her house. She would give me soup and crackers and let me lie on the couch and watch television or just sit and talk to me. Being sick at grandma’s house wasn’t near as bad as being sick and having to go home because she was so nice to be around. Of all the good qualities that my grandma possesses, I believe that her selflessness is the quality that separates her from most people.

I have met lots of good people in my life but the best person that I have ever known by far is my Grandmother. She truly lived her life to make other peoples' lives better. I feel very fortunate to have a grandma that is as good of a person as she is. She has always been a patient mother and grandmother, a kindhearted and caring individual and has never been a selfish person. My grandma loves to smile and she loves life. Most importantly, she loves to see other people around her happy.

The Blues

I have been feeling sorry for myself for about 24 hours now. Last night was grandma's visitation... on my birthday. Today was the funeral. Everything was beautiful and I'm sure she would have liked it.

Even though I was surrounded by my family, I felt as if I was alone. I miss Matt terribly. I needed Matt last night and today. Of course good ole uncle sam seems to have needed him more.

I'm in a funk. I really don't wanna go to school tonight. I wanna do a little retail therapy but I don't even know if I can find the energy to do that.

Oh and its 91 degrees here but to me it feels like about 157.

No more American Airlines for me

Matt left for his training this morning. That means no birthday vacation for me and no anniversary vacation for mom and dad.

American Airlines doesn't give two shits just as I had suspected. We would have to pay $150 per person to change to a different date plus the difference between the airfare. *Note: I bought our tickets three or four months ago. So for us to change the dates to the weekend after 4th of July would be and additional 400 bones a person and the weekend after that would be 350 a person. We originally paid $300 for each ticket.

The only way they would refund us because of the military is if he was being deployed. Uhhhhh.... No thanks!

I'm going to write them a nice edumacated sounding letter when I am in a better state of mind and also send a copy to my congress person. I believe American Airlines has quite the hustle going on. No one ever uses insurance on their tickets when they actually buy it and if you don't buy it then you are screwed.

The only reason that I usually fly American Airlines is because they are the only airlines that have direct flights from StL to Seattle. Now thanks to them I will not be seeing my husband until it is time for him to come home. I'll only need a one way ticket as we will be driving his car across country again and I can get a one way ticket for less than their $150 date switching fee.

American Airlines service is horrible anyway. I have flown Frontier a few times and they are my favorite. They have a mascot for each plane and TV monitors in the headrests. Not to mention, Frontier flights always stop in Denver and the view landing there is beautiful.

Grandma

My grandma died at 6:10 this morning. God has finally taken her. He must have been making big plans for her. We love you grandma and we will miss you.